Instilling Beliefs That Create Calm & Alleviate Anger

By Turning Point Counseling | Published: July 29, 2010

Anger will never disappear so long as thoughts
of resentment are cherished in the mind.
John Dryden

Getting mad is an expected response when another person attempts to steal your power. In childhood, our natural wants and desires override the ability to behave in a socially acceptable way. Certain developmental tasks need to be reached before a person has the ability to look at the larger picture and choose whether a response to take action to correct a true loss of power is necessary. These tasks are as follows:

1. You take on society’s rules as your own.
2. You have developed trust in yourself to uncover your own support and freedom.
3. You have acquired a level of self-esteem that enables you to not be threatened by an off mark or a minor incident.

It is much easier to take heart in beliefs that prevent unnecessary anger when you are calm and peaceful. It can be quite challenging, however, to continue these beliefs in the midst of feeling controlled, unsupported or when things aren’t going your way. Keeping a log of angry moments can help to begin to change thinking patterns. The questions below can assist in discovering provoking thoughts that set off these mad feelings. Begin to journal beliefs that result in more calming emotions that you would like to have instead.

1. What does it say about me when others annoy me?
2. How do others’ behaviors affect how I feel about myself?
3. When did I first begin to have this troubling belief about myself?

The quickest way to make these calming beliefs work for you is to begin acting as if the thoughts you would like to have are already true. Working to increase these beliefs leads to a reduction in the frequency of the mad moments. Modify behavior now and do not put off taking action until you feel better. You will begin to notice a change from fury to frustration, from anger to annoyance, and ballistic to bothered before you know it. Review these strategies you most need to implement:

1. Practice seeing the bigger picture. Find the good intentions in the other person’s behavior.
2. Do not deny feelings. Admit what you are experiencing and examine what events led to it.
3. Test your assumptions and generalizations with two others who are not involved in the situation.
4. Let those close to you know how you’ve used anger in the past for power, to look tough, or to be distant.
5. Act as though the calming beliefs are true. Reaffirm the positives that are true about you. Be open and flexible.

    Posted in Addiction, Stress | Leave a comment

    Men in Therapy

    By Turning Point Counseling | Published: July 14, 2010

    Silver and gold will not make men better. It is the opinions of wise men that enrich with virtue those who share them.

    Plato

    Why don’t many men seek out counseling as much as women?

    1. Men often perceive counseling as an unfriendly, even unsafe environment. They believe that they are being told they are the problem, they are the cause of the relationship conflict and they are being called in to explain their failures.

    2. Men who have experienced earlier failures or losses in childhood are more vulnerable to attention given to a fragile masculinity. Men react to their woundedness by lashing out and attacking or projecting blame to others in an attempt to protect and guard against further damage.

    3. Men are not wired to want to express their emotions and expose their inner feelings to others while women value the social exchange with others as essential and meaningful for life.

    How to make counseling more user-friendly for men:

    1. Don’t call it counseling. Call it consultation or label the male as the collaborators.
    2. Offer short-term classes, or workshops on various topics that would appeal to men.
    3. State the goal of therapy for men is to strengthen them, empower, and build them up.
    4. Normalize their anxiety about therapy and sharing their feelings.
    5. Sharing stories of other men’s journey in counseling may help reassure resistant men.
    6. Your own self disclosure can also help men to feel they are more like others than not.
    7. Acknowledge defensiveness as a protective mechanism that they feel they need to use and then help them learn when to lay the defenses aside.
    8. Mix in humor and small talk about subjects that men enjoy talking about.
    9. Heap abundant praise on men when they are engaged in sharing their feelings, when they push past fear and acknowledge vulnerability.

    For more on this subject see David Wexler’s book, Men in Therapy and the May/June addition of Psychotherapy Networker

    Patrick Heard, M.A.

    Posted in Book Review, Gender | 1 Comment

    Spirituality Is a Simple Way of Living

    By Turning Point Counseling | Published: July 1, 2010
    A spiritual person is also in touch with his or her own reality, feelings and thoughts, and the reality of the people around him or her, not projecting on them.
    -Keith Miller
    Those in recovery from addictions applying the Twelve Step program are accustomed to hearing that it is a “Spiritual Program.” Yet, Twelve Step program are differentiated from religion. The question of the meaning of spiritual versus religious may arise.

    Spirituality can be seen as being concerned with our ability, through our attitudes and actions, to relate to others, to ourselves, and to our God. Everyone, either struggling with addiction not has a way of relating to our lives, other people, and God which tends to either be positive, healthy, fulfilling and life giving, or tends toward the negative, self-defeating, and destructive. The question to ask ourselves is whether we are moving in the direction of a negative or positive spirituality.

    Spirituality is a well-ordered way of living. It can be seen in four basic movements for people to put into place in their lives on a spiritual basis. The first of these is a movement from fear to trust; the second, from self-pity to gratitude; the third, from resentment to acceptance; and the fourth, from dishonesty to honesty.

    We have many choices in life. We can drink or not drink, live or die, be happy or cry, be honest or lie. The point is to realize the choice is ours at all times. We choose to live with the consequences of our actions. There is no other way to live life.

    What will it take in our lives to finally make the positive choice? What will it take for that moment of clarity to come? What will give us the discipline necessary to make healthy changes? Make an effort one day at a time to incorporate these four movements into your life and begin experiencing spirituality as a simple way of living.

    Posted in Addiction, Spirituality | 2 Comments

    Parenting a Bipolar Child

    By Turning Point Counseling | Published: May 11, 2010

    I want to recommend Parenting a Bipolar Child, What to do and Why, by Gianna L. Faedda MD and Nancy B. Austin Psy D, published by New Harbinger Press in 2006. The table of contents include chapters on: diagnosis, assessment, bipolar in children, bipolar in adolescents, diagnostic overlap and multiple diagnoses, as well as treatment overview, sleep disorders, living with a bipolar child, school decisions, and medication choices.
    The chapter that is particularly appealing to me is on, “Irritability and what do with it.” This section will be particularly valuable to parents who struggle with responding the rage and emotional reactivity often associated with bipolar children and adolescents. The authors describe an Upset Scale that the bipolar person uses to rate the level of anger and the intensity. The child/adolescent is encouraged to describe what the anger looks like at the highest end- the explosion stage, the mid-range point and the lowest end- the calm-rational stage. The BP client and the family dialogue with each other about responses that are helpful and responses that are very negative and could lead to escalating tension. The Upset Scale represents a way that the BP client can take responsibility for managing his feelings even if he cannot prevent the feeling.
    Patrick Heard M.A
    Posted in Book Review | Leave a comment

    It’s Affluenza Season: How to Reduce it’s Effects

    By Turning Point Counseling | Published: December 3, 2009


    At this time of year there are no illness more virulent than “affluenza.” As soon as an individual believes that he has developed immunity, a new commercial strain evolves. It is very contagious, readily contracted from TVs, catalogues, at shopping malls and even discount centers.

    No vaccination has yet been developed for this malady, but to lessen its impact, ask yourself the following questions before making any purchases.

    1. Is this purchase necessary? Could I borrow or rent one instead?
    2. Is it really worth the cost? How many hours of work had to be done to pay for this?
    3. Is this gift potentially harmful for the person for whom it is intended?
    4. How many do I (or the person for which I am buying it) already have?
    5. How much will it really be used?
    6. Am I buying this out of obligation?
    7. Am I buying this as a joke? Is the joke worth the cost?
    8. Would I want something like this? Am I buying this item because I would like it, but the recipient most likely wouldn’t care for it (like a husband who buys tools or a rifle for his wife)?
    9. Am I purchasing something under pretense: I say it is for the kids, but it is really for me (perhaps something that you wanted as a child but didn’t get)?
    10. Am I being manipulated to make this purchase by slick marketing, a pushy or flattering salesperson or a greedy individual who requested or demanded this?
    11. Am I able to clean, lubricate and/or maintain it myself? Am I willing to? Will I be able to repair it?
    12. Have I researched it to get the best quality for the best price?
    13. How will I dispose of it when I’m done using it? Are the resources that went into it renewable or nonrenewable? Is it made or recycled materials, and is it recyclable?
    14. Is this purchase being strongly influenced by the kid inside me? If so, what could I do to satisfy that part of me without cost?
    15. What will likely happen to this item when interest in it is lost?
    16. Is there anything that I own that could be substituted for it?
    17. Do I (or the person I am buying this for) really need it?
    18. Do I have to have it now? If so, could I get it cheaper later?
    (List is courtesy of www.adbusters.org with a few of my own thrown in)
    Balance:
    It is not being suggested that you go the other direction and become fanatical and miserly during this season and lose the joy and fun of giving. Wisdom is being able to enjoy the simple life and not be dependent upon externals for happiness. Neither the accumulation of money nor things will bring contentment.

    Posted in Stress | 1 Comment

    Turning Point Counseling Christmas Picture

    By Turning Point Counseling | Published: December 2, 2009

    This is the picture that Charity Shaver took for the 2009 Turning Point Counseling Christmas Card. It was taken at Everman Park, in Abilene, in front of the statue, “Childhood’s Greatest Adventure, ” by Rick Jackson. The statue was inspired by the book, Santa Calls, by William Joyce, a Christmas story set in Abilene, Texas.
    The day that the picture was taken was a happy day for our therapists: Roger Russell, Pam Stewart, Steve Willis, Denise Hoyt, April Sizemore, Patrick Heard, Diana Bigham, Tim Dunn and Janet Jergins.
    Please pray for Pam Stewart as she is critically ill at this time, that she may be returned to health and back to the office where she is dedicated to the care of her clients.
    Posted in TPC therapists | Leave a comment

    What is Play Therapy?

    By Turning Point Counseling | Published: September 10, 2009

    Play therapy refers to a variety of treatment methods in therapy which incorporates the use of play objects. However, it is not to be confused with regular play. Goals are still established for the client to improve his or her level of functioning and it is not uncommon to have specific toys or activities chosen to help facilitate the resolution of the client’s problems.

    Play therapy is commonly used for children between ages 3-12 years old since they do not have the same vocabulary skills or understanding as adults. Play is natural for children and is the means by which they communicate and express their inner thoughts and emotions. Children can also learn adaptive skills through the use of play-based interventions. For this reason, play therapy has become the developmentally appropriate method of choice in treating childhood disorders.

    Play therapy is used by trained mental health professionals to assess, diagnose, treat, and prevent a wide range of childhood issues, including but not limited to anxiety, depression, adjustment to divorce. Although children are often the main focus of play therapy, the quality and quantity of parental involvement is significant to the outcome of the child’s progress.

    For additional information on play therapy, you may also visit the Association for Play Therapy’s website at http://www.a4pt.org/ or watch this video explaining the basis and benefits of play therapy.

    Diana Bigham, MA, LMFT-S, RPT
    Affiliated with Turning Point Counseling

    Posted in play therapy | Leave a comment

    Emotional Intelligence in Children: Gratitude

    By Janet Jergins, M.MFT | Published: September 1, 2009


    Gratitude is not only the greatest of
    virtues, but the parent of all the others.

    Cicero

    The research and literature related to raising children with high Emotional Intelligence is exploding. I have been following a blog called Half Full: Science for Raising Happy Kids. The author of this blog is Christine Carter, Ph.D. and she is a sociologist and the executive director of UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center. She blogs about the research behind rearing happy children. Here she is on YouTube discussing parenting tips for encouraging gratitude in children.

    The research clearly indicates that gratitude promotes happiness in adults. Sharing this habit with the children in our lives gives them a leg up socially and emotionally.

    Posted in Happiness | 1 Comment

    Two Happiness Tools

    By Janet Jergins, M.MFT | Published: August 10, 2009


    Benjamin Disraeli
    Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action.

    I love handouts and tools for self-improvement. I think my clients love them too. I have found two tools, not invented by myself that focus on the practice of happiness. Gretchen Rubin designed Happiness Project Toolbox. She makes it easy to follow eight happiness interventions including a Daily One-Sentence Journal,Resolutions, Group Resolutions, Lists, Happiness Hacks, Secrets of Adulthood, Inspiration Board, and Personal Commandments. You can share your happiness endeavors with others that use her Tool Box or keep them to yourself.

    Another useful happiness application for fellow iPhone fanatics, is the Live Happy App. There is a free version, or one that costs $4.99. The only difference that I can see between the two, is that the free one expires and then you have to buy it to continue to use the App. This App is interactive with the camera on your iPhone and also has a FaceBook link. There are videos and quotations about the art of happiness. I enjoy the Gratitude List, Replaying Happy Days, and Keeping a Savoring Album, though there are several other useful interventions which encourage one to maintain a happy lifestyle. This application is based on Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky’s happiness research and book.

    Posted in Happiness | Leave a comment

    Happiness Part 2: La Bella Vita

    By Janet Jergins, M.MFT | Published: July 12, 2009

    Epicurus

    It is impossible to live a pleasant life without living wisely and well and justly. And it is impossible to live wisely and well and justly without living a pleasant life.

    Authentic Happiness calls for balance. A pervasive feeling of well-being derives from a full spectrum of human endeavors. The good life consists of a balance of regularly experiencing pleasantness, (The Pleasant Life), engagement in satisfying activities and relationships, (The Engaged life), and experiencing a sense of connectedness to a greater whole, (The Meaningful Life). Here Dr. Martin Seligman can be seen explaining this idea in a TED Talk.

    Practicing pleasant moments promotes happiness and balance. Pleasantness sometimes just happens, but may also be the result of intention.

    Here are three Pleasant Life activities:
    Mindfulness
    Depression can be enhanced by living in the pains and failures of the past. When one can choose to live in the moment, this is called Mindfulness. Mindfulness is mental state, characterized by calm awareness of one’s body functions, feelings, content of consciousness, or consciousness itself. Practicing Meditation or Prayer promotes mindfulness.
    Making and Marking Moments
    Stop to smell the roses or appreciate the beautiful and lovely in life. Taste food, feel textures and notice beauty. Take photographs or prepare a meal as an event to share with loved ones. Keep a one sentence daily journal or take a picture a day of the events of your life.
    Savoring Create a beautiful day and share the experience with whomever you choose. Record the moments and then linger over the memories of this experience.

    Posted in Happiness | Leave a comment