Answer: As a parent, you are the most influential person in your child’s life.  You can and ought to teach your child to be grateful and to know the “value of a dollar.”  Our society, through media, often encourages us to satisfy our impulses.  To combat this bombardment of thinking instant gratification is the way of life, we have to be intentional with our decisions and actions.  Here are four tips for getting started.

1. Set the Standard with Your Own Behavior. If your child sees you buy everything off the shelves from the local electronic department, you might be reinforcing the idea, “if you want something get it.”  Show some restraint in delaying when/if you buy something when it is appealing and perhaps share with your child your decision-making process to defer from the impulse to obtain additional “stuff.”
2. Model an Attitude of Gratitude. What you do is often more persuasive to your child than what you say.  If your child sees you express gratitude towards the waitress at the restaurant or using everyday manners towards others by saying “thank you,” he will see that appreciation matters.
3. Sign Up for Volunteer Work. Get the family involved in some good ole hands-on volunteering.  Perhaps it will be at the local food bank or non-profit organization.  To take it a notch up by having a family meeting and collectively select an organization that everyone will donate time and energy to throughout the year.  Each year, the family can select a new charity to learn about and help raise awareness to others about the particular good cause.
4. Put a Leash on the Spoil Monster. We love our children and want to love on them, but we should show some restraint from giving them everything they want.  They should learn to accept “no” and you should practice enforcing it.  You owe your child nurturing love, shelter, food, and clothing.  Anything else is a privilege; this means video games, movies, music, and the latest toy collection.  A friend of mine has her child keep no more toys than what can fit in a toy chest.  When he has more than what will fit, he must get rid of something and whatever doesn’t make the cut gets donated to someone in greater need.  What an excellent way to teach gratitude!

Diana Bigham, MA, LMFT

This concludes the Q and A Parenting Series in April in honor of Child Abuse Awareness/Prevention Month.  I hope you have benefited from these articles and have found them useful.  Please leave comments on this blog and provide some feedback if you would like to see something like this again in the future.

Answer: Natural and logical consequences are effective forms of discipline and reduce power struggles between the parent and child as the punishments are connected to the misbehavior.  A natural consequence is when a situation provides the teachable lesson.  One example of this is when a child forgets her coat at the playground and returns home in the cold without it.  The child experiences discomfort from the cold weather, and thus the situation created a natural consequence.  No additional punishment or lecture is required.

A logical consequence is where not only does the punishment fit the crime, but it “just makes sense” for the particular behavior.  The consequence is related to the misbehavior and is age appropriate.  An example of this is when an older child breaks a sibling’s toy, he must replace it by paying for a new one as opposed to receiving spankings or losing phone privileges.  An additional example of a logical consequence is if a teen abuses the use of the internet, she will not have access to the computer for a certain length of time.  The child learns that things work better when you follow the rules, thus encouraging good behavior.

Obviously, we should protect our children from some natural consequences such as allowing a child to run into the street.  So long as our child’s overall well-being will remain intact, then it is preferable that we allow natural and logical consequences to teach our children how their choice to misbehave will be directly linked to some form of punishment.  This will help cut down the nagging families experience and children will learn to make more responsible decisions and develop their problem-solving skills.

Diana Bigham, MA, LMFT, RPT
This article was written in honor of Child Abuse Awareness/Prevention Month.  There is one week left to submit your parenting questions; no further parenting questions will be accepted for this particular program after April 22, 2011.  You can send them to me at QAwithDiana@gmail.com or through abilenemoms.com!

ANSWER: No.  In fact, I encourage you to have this conversation with your teen.  The statistics are in your favor that your teen will likely postpone sex and if he decides to have sex, he will be safer about it.

Let’s consider it this way.  If you do not teach your teenager about sex, someone will.  Wouldn’t you rather be the one providing the information than television shows or radio personalities like Howard Stern?  You can let school assist with the process but school was never intended to be the sole teaching component to your child’s education.  You must talk about it.  If sex is left as this mysterious act that no one talks about, it may only increase the intrigue for a teen to experiment.

Keep in mind that it is not just a dialogue (that’s right, a dialogue and not a lecture) about what it is, but also what goes along with it.  For example, be sure to address risks (STD’s, pregnancy, etc.) and the changes that occur when someone chooses to have sex and becomes emotionally connected to that person or has difficulty abstaining afterwards.  Teach your values about within what context sex is okay and why.  Don’t talk about this just once; leave an “open door” policy where he can bring up additional questions.  Be aware that a lot of teens think oral sex is not sex. Teach that it is and also has risks involved.  Also talk about criminal laws created to protect younger teens from engaging in sex with much older teens and that he should be aware of these ramifications if he chooses to date a much younger, or older person.  Do not share your own personal experience.

As far as how to go about talking about sex with your teen, tread sensitively.  Find a time to speak one on one instead of in front of an audience. Give yourselves enough time to discuss the issues.  You can either wait until some event segues into the topic, or simply bring it up.  Don’t make sex seem like it is a shameful activity and a taboo topic.  For example, you can say, “Sex is a gift to be shared with a special person and in a very special committed relationship.  God intended this to be shared between two adults and in a marital relationship.  I want to talk to you about this now because I know there is a lot of pressure for teens to be sexually active.”  Share your reasons why you think your teen should wait and how he can deal with the peer pressure.

Listen to your teen’s concerns with an open heart and provide responses in a way that shows your teen that he really can talk to you about anything.  This means you are not to be overly reactive by what may come out of his mouth.  This guideline is not just for sons, but also for daughters.

Diana Bigham, MA, LMFT, RPT

Continue to send in your parenting questions to me at QAwithDiana@gmail.com or through abilenemoms.com!  These articles are written for the month of April in honor of Child Abuse Awareness/Prevention Month.

ANSWER: Ignoring is a wonderful solution but doesn’t always work in public because the tantrum may be too disturbing for others and we have an obligation to teach children how to behave, especially in public places. It doesn’t help that you feel like your parenting skills are on stage with an audience at the grocery store either.

Ideally, you will have already talked to your child in the car about your expectations of how he/she would behave in the store and the consequences of such behavior. You can even have a time-out location at the specific place thought out in advance. Select a spot that is near a wall in the store or even a bench near the restroom to avoid too many prying eyes. Your car is also an option as a time out spot since your child is removed from the stimulating environment. Keep your child involved while you are in that public setting. Maybe he/she can help put the groceries in the basket, point out colors in the isles, or create that time for some other educational or entertaining activity. You may even bring in a sippy cup or toy to keep your child occupied. Also, think about the timing of your trips. If it’s close to nap time or bedtime, or even the next meal, consider putting off your trip for another time. A well-rested and fed child is much more compliant.

If your little angel decides to test his or her limits, here’s the plan:

1. First of all, keep your cool. Your anxiety (perhaps performance anxiety) can actually increase your child’s tantrum! You also need to know that you are NOT the only parent who has this problem. You just might be the only one in the store at that time! Managing a tantrum in public is almost like a rite of passage as a parent. You will survive this! In a calm, yet firm voice, say, “I know you’re mad. It’s not okay to scream.” You are acknowledging to your child that you understand their feelings or desires (increasing emotional attunement) and informing them of behavioral limits.

2. Provide two alternative behaviors. You can say, “You can choose to walk quietly by my side, or you can choose to sit quietly in the cart.”

3. If the emotions continue to boil over from you child, take him/her to the car even if this means you need to carry him/her. If you have a cart full of groceries, push it to customer service and let them know you have to step outside with your child and if you are not back in 10 minutes, they can re-stock your cart. I know giving up your cart is not fun, but neither are the numerous tantrums that your child will continue to have if you don’t help him/her learn to control him/herself. If you’re tempting to give in, just remind yourself that in the long run, addressing the unacceptable behavior will matter. Otherwise, your child will only continue to have tantrums and they may in fact get worse because if you give the child what they wanted, you inadvertently reward the tantrum.

4. Talk briefly to your child in the car. Tell him/her, “I understand you’re mad and you (state whatever triggered the tantrum). You cannot scream (or whatever the child did) because (state the reasons briefly; these explanations help the child to have a greater understanding of how the world functions). Since you decided to continue yelling and not listen to mommy/daddy, you need to calm down.” Allow your child to calm down for about one minute per year of age or until he/she is calm. This is not a time to give a lengthy lecture or for your child to play games. Allow this time to be boring so the child will not want to be in a time-out again.

5. After the time is served and your child is calm, review the rules for behaving in public, have your child apologize, and exchange a wonderfully loving hug and provide reassurance to your child that he/she is still loved. If your child continues to misbehave, complete your trip at another time. Although punishments for your child seem like punishments for you, it will pay off. You are teaching your child that when you say something, you mean business. That’s a lesson worth leaving one grocery cart behind.

Diana Bigham, MA, LMFT, RPT

I hope you have enjoyed this article! Continue to send your parenting questions in as I will be posting my responses to popular questions throughout the month of April in honor of Child Abuse Awareness/Prevention Month. You can send them to me at QAwithDiana@gmail.com.

Take a moment to think of your favorite childhood game. Perhaps you thought of Freeze Tag, Red Light/Green Light, or a more formal game like Jenga. Now think about what skills would be required to be successful at these games. You might be surprised to learn that there are everyday games which children play that can have some additional benefits beyond the pure enjoyment of childhood fun. Although I do not intend to endorse any particular game, it is difficult to illustrate a concept without helpful examples. Let’s take a deeper look at a few of these games.

Operation, a Milton Bradley game, requires skills such as self-control, patience, and certainly fine motor development (the coordination of small muscles and bones to use for precise movements). This can be played in a non-competitive way which could decrease the anxious feeling some children get when playing any sort of activity. Now think of what type of child could benefit the most from the skills required to play this game successfully. Perhaps you can see how children who have self-regulation problems could use this game in a way that builds their sense of control and thoughtful actions.

Other applications of playful activities could include I Spy books or games for children with ADHD as it assists in building concentration and focus, or Jenga to increase a child’s level of frustration tolerance while discouraging impulsive behavior but rather rewarding intentional and thoughtful actions. Jenga can even help when the parents play and state their carefully thought-out strategies aloud to help the child further develop his or her problem-solving and planning skills.

Encouraging a child’s development, whether emotional, social, or physical, does not have to be an overwhelming task but should rather embrace a playful nature. I will end this article with a few interesting quotes on the importance of play.

Diana Bigham, MA, LMFT

“All play means something. It goes beyond the confines of purely physical or purely biological activity. It is a significant function—that is to say, there is some sense to it.”
Johan Huizinga, cultural historian

“It is paradoxical that many educators and parents still differentiate between a time for learning and a time for play without seeing the vital connection between them.”
Leo F. Buscaglia

“Man is most nearly himself when he achieves the seriousness of a child at play.”
Heraclitus, Greek philosopher

Defense mechanisms are psychological strategies used as a way of coping with anxiety in an attempt to maintain self image and restore a sense of balance or reduce tension in a person’s emotional experience. Most defense mechanisms are fairly unconscious, meaning that people do not realize when they are using them in the moment.

Defense mechanisms happen when faced with a reality that is difficult for the person to handle. Most people use some form of a defense mechanism in attempt to moderate anxiety levels and protect themselves from uncomfortable social situations with which one feels they are unable to manage. Defense mechanisms are one way of viewing how people will distance themselves from a full awareness or experience of unpleasant thoughts, feelings or behaviors.

A defense mechanism can become pathological when used to an extreme and leads to maladaptive behavior which interferes with a person’s ability to differentiate between what is real and what is not. Such behavior adversely affects the physical and/or mental health of the individual.

Defense mechanisms are sometimes confused with coping strategies. Adults who do not learn better ways of coping with stress or trauma in their lives will often resort to ineffective defense mechanisms. Defense mechanisms are often learned behaviors most likely developed during childhood development. This means that, as an adult, people can choose to learn new positive coping skills that may be more beneficial to them in their lives.

Review the following common defense mechanisms. Work to identify and describe how you may be using each. Consider how they may be preventing your personal growth. Attempt to identify constructive alternatives for coping that you could use instead of the defense mechanisms.

1. Denial
Denial is the refusal to accept reality or fact, acting as if a painful event, thought or feeling did not exist.

2. Regression
Regression is the reversion to an earlier stage of development in the face of unacceptable thoughts or impulses.

3. Acting Out
Acting Out is performing an extreme behavior in order to express thoughts or feelings the person feels incapable of otherwise expressing.

4. Projection
Projection is the misattribution of a person’s undesired thoughts, feelings or impulses onto another person who does not have those thoughts, feelings or impulses.

5. Reaction Formation
Reaction Formation is the converting of unwanted or dangerous thoughts, feelings or impulses into their opposites.

6. Repression
Repression is the unconscious blocking of unacceptable thoughts, feelings and impulses.

7. Displacement
Displacement is the redirecting of thoughts feelings and impulses directed at one person or object, but taken out upon another person or object.

8. Intellectualization
Intellectualization is the overemphasis on thinking when confronted with an unacceptable impulse, situation or behavior without employing any emotions whatsoever to help mediate and place the thoughts into an emotional, human context.

9. Rationalization
Rationalization is putting something into a different light or offering a different explanation for one’s perceptions or behaviors in the face of a changing reality.

10. Undoing
Undoing is the attempt to take back an unconscious behavior or thought that is unacceptable or hurtful.

April Sizemore, MMFT, LPC, LMFT

This book is a resource for parents who have adopted children or are raising children from a background of early abuse and/or neglect. It uses behavioral modification and the parent-child relationship to heal the child and improve the attachment and bonding that the child desperately needs. This would be very appropriate book for parents of young children, but the main concepts can also apply for those with older children.

Filled with practical strategies, a parent can read through this book with ease and apply it immediately. There is also a good portion devoted to explaining the function of maladaptive behaviors children with early trauma often display and helps parents to understand that the child had learned unhealthy ways of behaving in an effort to survive.

One innovative approach that the authors take is the use of time out with a new twist. In an effort to promote healthy attachment, parents are encouraged to bring the child closer.

This response to the typical time-out method demonstrates to the child that you love him/her and are available to help him/her work through problems. In the common time-out procedure, a child is placed in isolation as a form as discipline and the child who already feels deprived of healthy attachment towards people may continue to feel disconnected which may reinforce that he/she can only rely on him/herself.

A few other chapters included in this book are: disarming the fear response with felt safety, teaching life values, supporting healthy brain chemistry, and healing yourself to heal your child. Overall, The Connected Child offers guidance in managing behavioral problems and ways to foster healthy attachment and bonding with adopted children.

Diana Bigham, MA

All of us, from cradle to grave, are
happiest when life is organized as a
series of excursions, long or short,
from the secure base provided by our
attachment
figure(s).

John Bowlby

The subject of love, surprisingly, was not such a popular concept in marital counseling, during the period that I was trained as a marital therapist, during the mid 1980′s. While attending the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at Abilene Christian University, the focus was on teaching couples about communication skills, conflict resolution, and caring deeds. Often, as a marital therapist, I would be puzzled and frustrated by “difficult cases” who failed to make progress. Finding the research conducted by Sue Johnson and Lee Greenberg changed the way I approach my work with couples. It is now recognized that adult attachment is crucial to relationship success.

The practice of Emotionally Focused Marital Therapy (EFT) has been empirically validated as effective for distressed couples. Johns and Greenberg found that relationship distress results from a perceived threat to basic adult needs for safety, security, and closeness. Marital distress arises from “Attachment Wounds.” Change from an EFT perspective occurs when couples are able to recognize their negative interactional cycles, and are able to move from a withdrawer-blamer pattern or a criticize-defend pattern into a healthier and more emotionally nurturing way of loving each other. Defensive posturing gives way to emotional connection and compassion for each other.

When working with couples, I often recommend Sue Johnson’s self-help book, Hold Me Tight. I have found this method of marital therapy to be very effective, except in relationships where physical or emotional abuse is present. More information about Emotionally Focused Marital Therapy is available on Sue Johnson’s website, The International Center for Excellence In Emotionally Focused Marital Therapy.